Valentines

One of my biggest flaws is that I fixate on things, I get it from my dad, when something doesn't make sense to me I beat the dead horse until it does, or until someone gets annoyed enough to tell me to drop it. Funny thing is it drives me nuts when dad does it. Nevertheless, I all to often find myself stuck on things. My fixation leads me to being critical of others, something that I am not proud of.
 I am not sure how this segways into what has been on my mind lately, and I am debating whether I should erase that part all together but for now it lives.   Lately, I have had a lot of time to think, mainly about missing interacting with people. I yearn for it.
Facebook is my primary source for human interaction, well adult humans that can talk and don't need their diaper changed every two hours. I LOVE it when people comment on my posts, like my pictures, message me. LOVE it. When we were getting up every two hours I would check my phone for messages from my friends who were also new moms, we'd compare notes, sometimes commiserate, it was what got me through the first few months! but after a while it died down, I missed everyone's comments. I was disappointed when the number of likes I would get on that cute new picture of Andy.  (today I felt so happy when I got a lot of response to our Valentine's photos, which is what sparked this blog) I started to think about how many times I commented on other people's posts, which was next to never. I believe in the golden rule, you get what you give. So I have intentionally been trying to be more positive and less passive socially.  I wait for things to happen to me, wait for other people to initiate plans  instead of searching for things to do and doing them. I hate that.   I have struggled since we have moved here because I have felt like every time I have reached out it to someone it ends up not working out for one reason or another. It is hard not to take it personally and to get discouraged. Last week at church Allen talked about being a lego, you only have 8 connectors and once they are full there is no where else to plug in. I am convinced everyone I've met here doesn't have room for a new connection and all I have got is open spots.  I am currently fixated on this. I want to keep trying but I am discouraged. I take things too personally, but am I really putting forth my best effort? NO. I know I'm not.  I am self destructive. I know I need to be more intentional, more considerate, more understanding but I struggle. I know I can't keep waiting for friends to show up at my door step, but I don't know how to stay motivated. Example from last week, I learned that EVERY single other mother in my Kindermusik class is a military wife, and will all be moving in June. back to square one. BTW, speaking of Military wives, I am not sure how they do it, being new all the time. I am in the midst of an identity crisis trying to find somewhere to fit in... But I want to intentionally try to be social but I am not sure my ego can handle more failed attempts.