scared.

as a new mom one emotion that rules my life is fear. Have you seen that commercial where this group of people are leaving an office building and they are all cringing saying "oh it burns... it's too bright... " and the window washer guy looks at them funny and says "it's just the sun"  I feel exactly like that. Completely normal run of the mill thing petrify me these days. Logic is still in there sometimes but really it is weird the things I find myself thinking will hurt Andrew. I am pretty sure I am gonna become a hobbit if this keeps up because leaving the house causes so much anxiety. I know that the worst that will happen is Andrew will cry through dinner and I know I am perfectly capable of changing him and feeding him on the go but I always worry about not meeting his needs or exposing him to all the crud the world has to offer.  I sit here in the pediatricians office for his first sick baby appointment and think how ironic it is that the first thing he catches is a sore throat from ME... well I dont know he has one. I mean he can't really tell me that is why he was up all night screaming but I have one so I can only assume it was my kisses that gave him one too... I am not sure what you do for a 7 and a half week old with a sore throat so I sit here waiting for the doctor to tell me that there really isnt anything you can do beside wait it out. And wouldn't you know he hasn't been screaming at all today. When he was awake he pretty mellow, not clamy like he has been, so maybe they will really think I am nuts.
Indeed, I am nuts.  He doesn't seem to have my crud but the Dr. does think he may have silent reflux. She prescribed Zantac and doubling the amount of rice in his formula. Problem, she wrote the script for 1 cc twice a day, this is above the manufacturers recommended max, so insurance denied it.  The pharmacy called for me and got them to cover it but do I call the MD and ask why she gave him so much? Regardless, I hope this works! Off to suck no some menthol cough drops and debate if I want to go to walmart to get orange juice or go to just go to bed!!

two nights in a row!

I am really tired, but I am really trying to do this nightly.  Tonight is going to be short for sure!
Did I mention I was tired? I have a to do list that is a mile long and seems like it is getting longer, it takes me forever to accomplish anything these days.  Cleaning and Laundry aren't even on the list... I feel like the only time I can get things done is when Brett is home and then I feel bad because I want to spend time with him and not just dump the baby on him.  So I RUSH to accomplish something of priority, most of the time it starts with a shower. Did I mention Brett is always tired too, so he is ready for bed by the time he gets home, which makes me even more rushed because my window is so small before I feel bad that I am keeping him awake.   Every other night bath time with Andy has to fit into that time too... It is a two person job because I didn't buy the infant bath tub I bought a seat, but our bath tubs are too deep to sit outside of so one of us has to get in with him and the other has to be ready with towels when finished... When will this end.  This blog was dumb, but I feel rushed even when the boys are sleeping, because well the clock is ticking for me to get in bed to clock some ZZZZZ's before Andy wakes up for a bottle! I can't wait for the day he sleeps all night and can be put down during the day! not that I want to rush him in growing, he is already getting too big!

New momisms....

Well i planned to blog far more often than I have been but haven't so here are random thoughts that span my first 6 weeks of motherhood. * they should really advertise that having a baby causes temporary insanity. Brett may argue the temporary part. But there were some seriously disturbing thoughts and emotions.over the first few weeks. And a lot of tears. Feelings of inadequacy, wondering what you have gotten yourself into, and how you might fit this kid back into you for a while are prevelant. Luckily logic returns and you realize your baby will indeed continue breathing through the night and will not suffer abandonment issues for life if you put them down so you can pee. I am still working on the it wont hurt him to cry for 15 minutes so you can do things like eat but i am getting good at one handed maneuvers! * I was most afraid of not sleeping but haven't found myself too overwhelmed and each night gets better especially now that our days include more naps. Rice cereal is amazing... * Also not advertised is Breast feeding problems. My milk never came in and I was under some sort of delusion that this couldn't or wouldn't be an issue and it ended up being our biggest problem. And sadly today was the last day I pumped as we are six weeks. But Brett has reminded me that there are also blessings in this like the pill can resume on Sunday which means we wont be having another one before forget what the last six weeks were like...
Coming soon to this blog... four months in Alabama, one year of marriage and a future in adoption.